WOW! I seriously might be the worst blogger ever. I haven't posted since last September... is that right? Anyway, I'm back now.
The traditional gender roles in our family don't exist. Over the last 6 months that's become even more apparent. I'm a C-suite executive for a non-profit organization and work about 60 hours a week. I get calls from staff with "emergencies" at all hours, when we're at ball games or picking the girls up from school, grocery shopping, it's part of being a leader in my field and at my organization. I love what I do, don't get me wrong, typically I don't mind when I get calls at 10pm or on a Saturday because to that employee at that moment they need me. My husband until late last year worked a blue collar job for a big company with great benefits. He got hurt at work and is awaiting surgery. Especially since having the girls he does most of the cooking and cleaning at home, which I'm doing now since he's hurt, and I make most of the money. We are very much a team and most of the time this team works great together.
Here's where the title comes in... I don't get to be "Mommy" and I have a tremendous amount of guilt over this. My husband gets the joy of being Mommy and Daddy. He takes the girls to school, regularly picks them up, he can attend events with them and now it's summer so he's taking them to day camp and movies and grabbing Chick-Fil-A for lunch. I even see our friends attending school plays and recitals and playdates, going to parks and on vacations and staycations and I'm working my ass off. Totally jealous of my husband, by the way. It wouldn't be as bad if he was at work too. Oh what that actually sounds far worse for my girls, neither parent being able to go to things. I digress! I really don't think he appreciates how good he has it. He's able to stay home all day with the loves of my life. Play babies, read books, watch Trolls, paint rocks, ride bikes in the neighborhood. Last week Ava desperately wanted to go for a bike ride with mommy, she is very patient and waited 3 hours for me to finish some reports so we could go bike riding together. She shouldn't have to wait for me, it teaches her patience but she shouldn't have to. She should have to patiently wait for the cookies to finish baking not for mommy to have time for her.
It's the constant battle over being a good mom (whatever that means) and providing for your family. Social media just seems to make this worse. I don't know if we (meaning moms and women in general) are just really hard on ourselves in that we are constantly trying to do everything but not doing any of it well. Being on a conference call while picking up the kids from school, not forgetting the lunchboxes. Picking up the house and making dinner while trying to listen to actually hear how your daughter's day was. Packing lunches for the next day, doing laundry, ohhh the laundry, answering the phone, replying to emails. "No I'm not on Facebook, I'm responding to an email". Getting the kids bathed, in jammies and to bed before you absolutely CRASH! It's too much! Life has become a sea of overwhelming, hyperactivity where people don't just expect but demand an immediate response to a question, inquiry, thought, picture. Where we're expected to be at the office doing a bang up job but also at the playdate, school drop off and pick up plus all the school events, involved in the community, oh and most days just forget about getting 30 minutes of exercise in.
If you're reading this in hopes I'll have some amazing answer to this dilemma and I'll change your world. I'm sorry I've wasted your time. I don't have the answers, I'm barely keeping it all together myself. On the brink of complete failure when one of my little humans says, "Mommy, can I give you a hug, you look like you need it". Puts things in perspective.
I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way?!?!
